


Chick-Fil-Gay

by hanlight



Category: Naruto
Genre: Adulthood, Alternate Universe - The Office Fusion, Chick-fil-a, Co-workers, Comedy, Domestic Bliss, Drama & Romance, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Married Life, Other, Workplace Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-01-07 05:11:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18403787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanlight/pseuds/hanlight
Summary: We join a cast of not-so-straight characters as they work for corporate management at Chick-Fil-A.





	1. Pilot: The Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, this was inspired by The Office. Also, everyone's canon age here is 35+, thus the rating.

[INT - CHICK-FIL-A BOARD MEETING - NOON] 

 

   
 

KABUTO stands at the front of a white board while KIBA, SHINO, NEJI, SASUKE, and SAI are sitting around a standard IKEA desk with scattered papers.  He pulls down the projection screen to present a chart of various statistics with the title 'MARKETING IDEAS' labeled at the top. 

   
 

KABUTO: 

Good morning everyone, today, we'll be reviewing our profits and brainstorm the many ways we could further expand our sales.  

   
 

KABUTO points to charts indicating the location of various CHICK-FIL-As and their profits during various times of the year. 

 

KABUTO: 

As you can see, there's a trend in our chain restaurants doing exceedingly well during the summer months, particularly in the desert locales, but the rest of the year remains fairly stagnant. Why would this be so? 

 

KIBA raises his hand slightly and KABUTO nods for him to pitch in. 

 

KIBA: 

Well, our demographic is mainly White girls who go to Coachella. Nine out of ten times of the year they avoid us to save face, but once the music festivals roll around they don't mind donating to anti-lgbt businesses.  

 

KABUTO: 

So what I'm gathering is that we're losing profit by being homophobic? 

 

KIBA: 

Yeah. 

 

KABUTO (PENSIVE): 

Do you think we could start putting rainbows on our to-go boxes to make them assume we've changed? 

   
 

Camera panns to SASUKE rubbing the bridge of his nose and shaking his head in frustration. 

   
 

 _Cut to SASUKE in Interview Room as he speaks to the camera_  

   
 

Sasuke: 

I'm actually gay.  

 

   
SASUKE sits at his desk and watches as DANZO staples a 'ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND STEVE' to his office door full of homophobic Christian propaganda and slinks back in.  

   
 

SASUKE: (voiceover) 

You might be wondering why I'm working a nine-to-five in a corporation that believes doing anal is your one way ticket to Satan's gay bar in the depths of hell, but much like a stripper drugs her clients for money, I do what I can to get by.  

   
 

 

 _Cut back to the meeting room_  

   
 

NEJI: 

Big corporations usually make really vague advertisements where two people of the same sex are selling insurance or something together but there's never a story to it. We could do that? 

   
 

KABUTO: 

We want them to assume, not to have complete faith that we've converted our entire company motto. Shino? Ideas? 

   
 

SHINO:  

So here's my idea. Pay a porn studio to film a really amateur video that makes it look like two of our employees are doing it near the grill, upload it, and the internet demands we change our moral values in their favor.  

We write out a vague statement that makes it seem like we're okay with it, then overlook it as we talk about how we don't condone unsanitary activities near our cooking supplies and publicly apologize for just for losing the consumer's trust. 

The room is silent for a moment before KABUTO slaps the wooden table. 

 

KABUTO: 

You're a genius! 

 

 _Cut to SHINO in Interview Room as he speaks to the camera_  

 

SHINO (serious):  

Catch is, I want to be the one in the film.  

My current paycheck isn't cutting it, so if it means inconspicuously starring in a porn film, I'm all for it. 

 

[END SCENE]


	2. The Shake Leak

[INT - CHICK-FIL-A CORPORATE OFFICES - LATE AFTERNOON]

 

 

KABUTO strolls into the room with a megaphone and flicks the setting on loud as he addresses the room, instintively forcing all employees to cover their ears. SAI simply breaks his coffee mug all over the floor before he can be surprised.

 

KABUTO:

WHO DID IT?

 

NEJI (ANNOYED):

DID WHAT?

 

KABUTO:

SOMEONE LEAKED OUR NEW MENU IDEA TO MCDONALDS. WHO DID IT?

 

 

The room goes silent for a moment before ROCK LEE stands up, dumbfounded by this revelation.

 

 

ROCK LEE (WORRIED):

Wait, do you mean the idea I pitched? The spring vegan shake with little peeps?

 

 

KABUTO:

UNFORTUNATELY, YES. THOSE RESPONSIBLE SHOULD TURN THEMSELVES IN BEFORE WE FIND THEM OURSELVES AND FIRE THEM.

 

 

KABUTO leaves the room and returns to his office. ROCK LEE looks around those in their cubicles with a disappointed expression.

 

 

ROCK LEE (EMOTIONAL):

As your fellow co-worker, I'm very disappointed, no, I feel _betrayed_ by the people who decided to sell our information to a competitor for quick cash.

Not just information either, an idea that put my career on the line if I chose to pitch it. Are you proud of yourselves for cheating not only your friend, your friends, the company, and even yourself? Answer me.

 

 

KARIN, who has been steadily pretending to work on her computer and completely oblivious to the situation at hand, jumps from her chair and into the air in victory.

 

KARIN:

FUCK YEAH!

 

KARIN becomes aware of ROCK LEE, who now looks as though he's about to sob, and the rest of the office employees staring at her.

 

 

 _Cut to KARIN in Interview Room as she speaks to the camera_  

 

KARIN:

After a few dark web internet searches here and there, some fifty calls to radio stations, and vague but surely guaranteed death threats, I won two tickets to this discount version of Fyre Fest! I'm not going for the music or anything, me and Suigetsu have big cilentel we're planning to sell [REDACTED FOR LEGAL REASONS] to and cash out big. It's gonna be fun and I bet Suigetsu half of the profits he can't down that shit with a lager and stay sober.

But that's just my excuse to sedate him so I can get his profits while he's knocked out.

 

  _Cut back to the office  
_

 

NEJI:

Lee, if we were to answer that, we'd be implicating ourselves. Before you ask, no, it wasn't me.

 

ROCK LEE (NEAR TEARS):

I don't even need an answer. The silence it enough.

 

KIBA:

That means we're all guilty then--

 

ROCK LEE:

Exactly.

You know what, as a person who has dedicated himself to working for a company that values honesty, dedication, and forgiveness in the name of Jesus himself, I won't turn in whoever leaked the idea and take the time to maturely listen to their side with the hope that they'll turn themselves in afterwards.

 

 

ROCK LEE leaves for the break room to cry while the office workers try to figure out how this might have happened.

 

NEJI:

How much does McD's pay for a leak anyway? It can't be worth it.

 

KIBA:

It can be if your pay is stupid bad. I swear I didn't do it either though, I might be desperate but I'm not a criminal.

 

SHINO:

You wanna know what I think?

 

Nobody wants to know what SHINO thinks but he goes ahead anyway.

 

SHINO:

Nobody did it. Someone must have hacked Lee's computer, like a special FBI spy only McDonald's can hire. ABM. A Big Macintosh.

 

NEJI:

Maybe it was Danzo? He'd do anything to get promoted, probably even illegally at that.

 

SAI:

Don't let my uncle hear you say that, I think he still has a .38 caliber hidden somewhere in his file drawers.

 

 

 _Cut to SAI in Interview Room as he speaks to the camera_  

 

SAI:

Yes, Danzo is my uncle. No, he's the one I least imagine would sell out for a pay raise, in fact it's better not to aggravate him unless you want the feds on your ass.

That is as much as I'm allowed to say according to the guidelines of the witness protection program. Every answer concerning my past has that attached to it. How did we end up working the same job in the same office? Witness protection program. Why don't we look alike? Witness protection program. My uncle is actually the one who could tell you more since they can't keep affording to [REDACTED FOR LEGAL REASONS].

 

 

At that moment, DANZO exists his office wearing a TRUMP FOR 2020 hat and goes to take his lunch break.

 

 

 _Cut to DANZO in Interview Room as he speaks to the camera_  

 

 

DANZO (INFURIATED):

If I'm the one that sold out to McDonald's? I've fought in every U.S war, been voting since the age limit was set to eighteen and eligible to all men, hell I donate ten dollars to the GoFundMe for the wall every payday to protect this country and honor our best president and chief-in-command to date as a loyal vertan and legal U.S citizen. I am LOYAL to this corporation.

These lazy, spoiled millenials just sit around threatening to throw liberal HR reps at me because I said the women in this office should stay in the kitchen where they belong. Better said than done since I've seen what Karin brings to lunch and it would make mothers in The Depression roll in their graves. And Sai? Ever since he started saying we needed to recycle I knew he was a lost cause.

 

 

   _Cut back to the office_

SAI:

He's so innocent I wouldn't be surprised if they sent one of their guys to straight up ask him for access to his computer. I think he keeps his firewall off because he's afraid the cookies might burn.

 

 

While everyone but LEE laughs over the situation, SASUKE gets up from his desk and heads out into the hall, takes the elevator downstairs, and walks into the parking lot to find his car.

 

 

 _Cut to SASUKE in Interview Room as he speaks to the camera_  

SASUKE:

Was it me? Well, uh, yes. Did I do it for the money? No.

 

 

SASUKE dials a number and a familiar cheery voice greets him on the other line.

 

SASUKE:

Hey, how's it been going? Did they like the idea?

 

NARUTO (ON THE LINE):

It's been great! They approved that idea you suggested to me the other day and they might promote me! I can't thank you enough for always being there to help and support me, I'm just one more step forward towards my dream.

 

SASUKE (AMUSED):

If I'm gonna be married to any loser working the graveyard shift at McDonald's Corporate it better be the future CEO.

 

 

Once SASUKE finishes talking to NARUTO, he considers whether or not he feels guilty about stealing LEE's idea.

 

SASUKE:

At first, I didn't mean to do this to Lee. He's a good guy, sort of overly dedicated to this stupid job, but pretty innocent. I just couldn't stand to see Naruto struggling over what to pitch to his own board and thought, "Well fuck it." I mean, it's not like they'll figure anything out in the end, right?

 

_Cut back to the office_

 

KABUTO returns to address the room once again.

 

KABUTO:

So I had a chat with management from McDonald's HQ and it seems that one of their own employees has _extremely_ close contact with our own. So what I want to know is whether anyone's going to confess or risk getting this entire office layed off and replaced.

 

_Camera pans into a panicked SASUKE's expression._

 

SASUKE:

Well shit.

 

_Cut to several people giving their individual confessions in the interview room._

 

NEJI:

I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. You want know how? I'm a vegetarian. I only consume chicken and fish. McDonald's is a red beef slaughterhouse and I don't support it. Case closed.

 

 

KIBA (SENTIMENTAL):

On the day of what was probably the leak, I was watching Homeward Bound with Akamaru and getting hung over. I couldn't even get through Marly & Me without passing out. The only leak there is are my tears.

 

SHINO:

Didn't do it. I'm not gonna risk getting bugged by an ABM, I'll consider consensual probing though.

 

KARIN:

McDonald's doesn't pay well for leaks. Trust me, I've checked my sources. I'll stick to getting Wendy's inside info by having casual affairs with their head of management.

 

LEE (SOBBING):

I just want the promotion I deserve. I've got a kid to feed and take on rock climbing trips, but that can't happen because TenTen thinks that's too expensive AND dangerous, but she still takes him to the shooting range and I--

 

SASUKE (DEFEATED):

 Guess it's up to me to confess, this is the price I pay for marrying Ronald McDonald's successor.

 

 

 [ CHICK-FIL-A CORPORATE - BATHROOMS - AFTER HOURS ]

 

LEE enters the building and heads over to the mens' bathroom to wait as he consistently checks for messages on his phone, looking anxious.

 

SASUKE (VOICEOVER):

 

I decided to confess to Lee. I didn't tell him it was me right away though, I told him to meet me in the bathrooms so we could talk in private about the whole leak situation and tell Kabuto to ditch the idea so nobody loses their fucking jobs.

 

 

LEE continues to wait when he realizes that there's a drilling noise coming from one of the bigger stalls. Curious, he slowly opens the stall and finds NEJI prying open a tile that's hiding a Garfield-shaped jelly jar full of weed.

LEE:

NEJI? It was you all along? And you have been procuring _weed_?

 

NEJI grabs his Garfield jar defensively.

NEJI:

What are you doing here? Did Kiba tell you about this? Dumbass--

 

Before LEE can bring up the topic of the leak again, KABUTO and OROCHIMARU walk into the bathroom with what seems to be a large canvas body bag, laughing amongst themselves.

Once they see LEE and NEJI holding the jar of weed, they drop the bag and a red liquid starts leaking out of the bag. LEE, NEJI, OROCHIMARU, and KABUTO exchange looks of disbelief and horror.

 

OROCHIMARU (TRYING TO SAVE FACE):

Good evening men. Say nothing about this and you keep your jobs.

 

KABUTO:

Sir what about the--

 

OROCHIMARU:

It'll be worse for us if we fire them so shut up. Don't say anything about us to HR or the police, we won't say anything about the both of you smoking it up after hours.

 

LEE (SCARED):

Yes sir.

 

NEJI:

Fine. Lee, let's go blaze it up somewhere else.

 

Before LEE can protest, NEJI grabs him by the arm and quickly drags him out of the bathroom with his weed jar. They see SASUKE, who is about to get out of his car, and quickly push him back in.

SASUKE:

What the--

 

NEJI and LEE jump into the backseat of his car.

 

NEJI (COLD):

Floor it if you want to keep your life and your job.

 

 

SASUKE gets back into the driver's seat and quickly drives out of the parking lot while LEE cries and NEJI lights a cigarette.

 

 

NEJI (PROUDLY HOLDING THE GARFIELD CONTAINER):

At least I got my stash before Kiba did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Bring Your ̶D̶e̶m̶o̶n̶ Kid To Work Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I accidentally uploaded the draft before rip but it's here now.

[CHICK-FIL-A CORPORATE OFFICES - MORNING - OFFICES]

 

KABUTO (CHEERFUL):

It's bring your kid to work day!

 

KABUTO busily jogs around the office putting up colorful decorations on the walls, cubicles, and even over the graphic political propaganda on DANZO's office door. DANZO looks highly displeased by this.

 

 _Cut to KABUTO in Interview Room as he speaks to the camera_  

 

KABUTO:

I don't have kids myself, but I was raised in a broken foster system that taught me the value of appreciating the concept of family by force, so it's reasonable that I'd want to make a day like this special for every kid and their parents. It makes me feel closer to the Chick-Fil-A Corporate family!

 

OROCHIMARU:

It's actually to distract from the body bag incident of last wednesday. We're even offering bonuses to the people who bring their kids in. If people have something else to worry about, they'll forget everything. Hopefully.

 

_Cut back to the office_

 

 

ROCK LEE and METAL LEE walk in, followed by SASUKE and BORUTO, then SAI and INOJIN. OROCHIMARU sits in his office with MITSUKI.

 

 

_Cut to the parents in the interview room_

 

OROCHIMARU (MOTIONING BEHIND HIM):

That's my child, Mitsuki. He's my pride and joy.

 

MITSUKI is huddled with the other boys as he shows them a slug he's pulled from his pocket, which slips, lands on METAL'S shirt, and causes everyone except for MITSUKI to scream and run in a panic.

 

 

ROCK LEE (INTRODUCING METAL LEE):

This is my son, Metal! He is a bit shy but he is a hard worker and the top of his martial arts class! Tell them more about yourself, Metal!

 

METAL (NERVOUS AND STILL TRAUMATIZED BY THE SLUG):

H-

 

METAL is quickly intimidated by being put in the spotlight and immediately runs out of the room. ROCK LEE runs after him, looking disappointed but not surprised.

 

 

SASUKE:

McDonald's corporate was also having a take your child to work day program too, and much like every other time that this happens, I had to flip coins with Naruto over who we would take. No surprise, he got to take Himawari and Sarada, meanwhile I'm dealing with Boruto.

 

Meanwhile in the background, BORUTO is rollerblading through the office on his heelys and throwing trash around with INOJIN, while DANZO yells at them to stop.

 

SAI:

This is INOJIN.

 

INOJIN:

What's up fuckers?

 

SAI (UNIMPRESSED):

Language.

 

INOJIN (ANNOYED):

Fine. What's up [REDACTED IN JAPANESE]

 

 

SAI looks into the camera as though he's spent forty minutes asking for a waffle.

 

 

NEJI is in the middle of doing paperwork when BORUTO rolls up to him, circling around his cubicle until he looks up.

 

NEJI (EXASPERATED):

What it is?

 

BORUTO:

 Do you have games on your phone?

 

NEJI:

No, but there's weed in the AC vent. Leave me alone.

 

_Cut to NEJI and SASUKE in the interview room as they speak to the camera_

NEJI:

 It's actually not weed. I pull this on him every year and he never learns. Oh, he's also my nephew, so it's not like I'm being a complete asshole to some stranger's kid.

 

SASUKE:

Neji's sister, Hinata, dated Naruto for a bit and then they split up after Boruto was born. Details aside, they're still really good friends. She even offered to be a surrogate for us and had Himawari before she got deployed overseas. The bright side is that we have kids, the downside is that Neji gets invited over during Christmas.

 

 _Cut back to the office_  

 

INOJIN, BORUTO, and METAL are all crowded around the table in the break room to eat the assorted candy when DANZO walks in. KARIN is busy making coffee.

 

BORUTO:

Hey why do you have that bandage on your arm mister?

 

 

INOJIN (WHISPERING):

Don't ask my Uncle that, you don't wanna know--

 

 

DANZO (UNWRAPPING BANDAGE):

I got this fighting in the war, defending our country like a true patriot. Here, let me show you the scar--

 

 

KARIN (SHIELDING THE CHILDREN):

Normally I don't care about the well being of children, but don't traumatize them or me with your disgusting arm or your weird patriotism.

 

_Cut to KARIN in the interview room_

 

KARIN (DISTURBED):

I saw that once when I walked in on DANZO putting ointment on it in his office. It's the reason I don't eat beef jerky anymore. Or anything with mayo.

 

 

_Cut back to the office_

 

 

DANZO:

The lack of patriotism is what's corrupting their minds! We used to have morals, now we have gay rat weddings on children's television shows.

 

BORUTO (INDIGNANT):

There's nothing wrong with being gay, I've got two dads and they're the best!

 

 

 

DANZO looks at him in shock, while KARIN nervously drinks her coffee.

 

_Cut to SASUKE and KARIN in the interview room_

 

KARIN:

I've known Sasuke since high school probably. Junior year, he was a dumb not-so-straight honor student and I was selling weed to get by with stoner Suigetsu. We're besties, practically. When we both got a job here, I made sure _nobody_ else said anything about his private life to Danzo or the higher-ups. Now that the cat's completely out of the closet, there's some clearing up to do.  

 

 

SASUKE:

I didn't brief Boruto on keeping it low about having two dads, mostly because I told him the old Grade-A meat sack _is_ homophobic and I'm not keen on teaching my children to be ashamed of standing their ground, secondly, on the off chance the asshole did figure it out, I'd get a chance to finally confront him about all the shit I've had to put up with.

 

_Cut back to the office_

 

 

DANZO walks up to SASUKE's desk to confront him. SASUKE stands up and the height difference between them drastically intimidates DANZO.

 

DANZO (NERVOUS):

I-Well, are-

 

SASUKE:

I'm not going to argue with you in front of the kids, let's take this argument outside, shall we?

 

 

As SASUKE and DANZO exit the building, the rest of the employees drop what they're doing and go to watch the fight play out. The children attempt to follow them out, but KABUTO stops them.

 

KABUTO:

Let's leave that business to HR, who wants to go on a scavenger hunt?

 

 

Down in the main lobby, the rest of the employees are gathered outside to watch SASUKE confront DANZO, who now looks less eager to spew homophic speech in SASUKE'S direction.

 

DANZO:

Sasuke, I think-

 

SASUKE:

I already know what you think, we _all_ know. 'Christianity believes men and women should get married', 'Gays are third world survivalist propaganda insinuated by communism' 'Showering every day isn't manly' The fact that I remember the second one really shows how patient I've been to let your shit go unargued.

 

DANZO (INFURIATED):

They are FACTS, why do you think the Bible said--

 

SASUKE:

The Bible also said to 'love thy neighbor' and you've been trying to send in false claims to HR that Kiba is an illegal immigrant, you constantly harrass Karin about her not being married, and I have to sit at my desk and hear about how you're disgusted that 'men aren't men anymore' because they're gay. You're in NO place to preach the Bible to me you withered asshole, you've been terrorizing everyone in the office since the day you got here and I'm sick of it.

 

DANZO:

It NEVER said I had to give up my freedom of speech. The Bible--

 

SASUKE:

If you're half the great Christian man you claim to be, you'd recognize the basic importance of treating other people with respect instead of spitting on them because you can't deal with your fragile masculinity getting trampled on. Educate yourself so that you don't have to keep expressing yourself in violent language all the time just because you don't want to talk about the real issues that are bothering you.  


 

DANZO:

I don't have issues, you're the one--

 

SASUKE:

You have an issue with EVERYTHING. For one, you hate anyone who isn't a cishet alt-right Christian man. If you'd just start accepting that your behavior is disgusting, maybe none of us would hate you so much--

 

 

At that moment, KABUTO runs out with the kids, looking panicked.

 

KABUTO:

I'm sorry to break this up but Metal got stuck in one of the AC vents, I'm gonna need someone to help me get him out.

 

ROCK LEE:

What? How? Why is he in the AC vent?

 

KABUTO:

Boruto told him that one of the scavenger hunt objects was in the AC vent.

 

SASUKE looks over at BORUTO, who is dejectedly holding a bag with a single index card that says 'WEED'.

 

BORUTO (TO NEJI):

This isn't weed!

 

NEJI:

As if I'd actually give you any, idiot. You're thirteen, at least get a vape pen first before you start thinking you're cool enough to smoke joints.

 

_Cut to Sasuke in the interview room_

 

SASUKE:

Boruto is grounded. I'm also excluding Neji from our family reunion this year too.

 

 

_Cut back to the office_

 

 

METAL is screaming from inside a vent in the ceiling. ROCK LEE is quick to grab the broom and attempt to open it.

 

METAL:

DAD STOP THERE'S A RACCOON!

 

ROCK LEE (STABBING THE VENT):

LOOK AT IT IN THE EYES SON, CHALLENGE IT.

 

METAL:

NO IT'S GONNA ATTACK ME-

 

 

There is a struggle in the vent as the raccoon attacks METAL, causing the rest of the adults and kids to start throwing things at the vent to break it. SHINO throws a chair, which gets DANZO straight in the back and knocks him unconscious.

 

KARIN:

OH MY GOD--

 

KIBA:

Oof.

 

 

The vent finally collapses and both METAL and RACCOON fall on DANZO.

 

_

 

A few ambulance and animal control calls after the mishap, DANZO and METAL are pulled away on stretchers. ROCK LEE follows them into the ambulance, crying as he speaks to TENTEN over the phone. Everyone else watches from a distance, stunned.

 

_Cut to KABUTO and MITSUKI in the interview room_

 

KABUTO (EXHAUSTED):

Everyone's getting a raise.

 

 

MITSUKI (AS HE PETS THE RACCOON):

Good kitty.

 


	4. Corporate Twitter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ? I don't know where I've been either

[INT- HOSPITAL - RECOVERY ROOM]

 

 

DANZO is lying on a cot, his bedside surronded by some smiley-face nylon balloons that say 'GET WELL SOON' and 'CONGRATS GRAD!', alongside a few dying flowers.

 

 

_Cut to DANZO reminiscing on his cot to the camera_

 

 

DANZO (NOSTALGIC):

When Shawn hit me with that chair, my life flashed before my eyes, and I remembered a few things I had repressed for _years._ The wars, the ex-wives, Sai's fifth birthday, but most of all, I remembered Hiruzen. He was my old soldier buddy from the trenches. We used to call him 'Mud Monkey' because when we ran out of ammo for the day he'd just start throwing dirt clods and feces at enemy lines. Never worked, but the man was a passionate optimist who never gave in, and that's what I appreciated most about him. God, I do miss that lunatic.

[PAUSE]

But not in a _gay_ way. _Never_.

 

 

[INT. - CHICK-FIL-A CORPORATE OFFICES - MORNING]

 

KIBA is scrolling through the emails on his computer when he encounters a PDF sent to him from a WENDY'S corporate account. Upon clicking on it, he realizes that it's a viral ad for a dance party that is located directly in the CHICK-FIL-A corporate parking lot.

 

KIBA:

Hey, did anyone see the email from Wendy's yet? Are we doing an event with them or something?

 

KABUTO rushes over to see the flyer and reads the contents, visibily infuriated.

 

KABUTO:

 'Come hang out with us at CHICK-FIL-A coportate offices for an afternoon of free hamburgers and frosties. Win money if you dance with the corporate mascot?' What is this? Since when did they plan this?

 

_Cut to the interview room with KARIN_

 

KARIN (PROUD):

Wendy's, thank to my collaboration with Suigetsu, always gets viral marketing off of us all thanks to me, and us vice versa because we're fun to clown.

While they get a lot of notoriety off of being cool, we get notoriety off of being the butt of the joke since our our social media presence sucks, which balances out because it lowers profits, makes the higher ups furious and Kabuto goes mental on accounting days, which isn't a loss in itself because I get paid overtime to fix the bullshit _I_ started.

 

_Cut back to the office_

 

KABUTO (SPEAKING THROUGH HIS MEGAPHONE):

FROM NOW ON, NOBODY IS ALLOWED IN THE PARKING LOT WHILE THE WENDYS EMPLOYEES ARE GATHERING. IN FACT, CALL THE COPS IF YOU SEE ONE OF THOSE CREEPY ANNABELLE IMPERSONATORS. WE WILL NOT BUY INTO THEIR GAME, WE ARE BETTER THAN THIS.

 

 

Everyone returns to their daily rountine of paper filing and coffee drinking when KABUTO approaches NEJI.

 

KABUTO (CONCERNED):

Hey Neji, you're Lee's tuesday carpool right? Do you know where he is? I need him to sign HR paperwork and get to fixing the Wendys bullshit on twitter ASAP.

 

NEJI (LYING):

No clue, he didn't show up to get a ride this morning.

 

KABUTO (CONCERNED):

He didn't even notify the rest of the office via mass email reply, call, voicemail, and social media DM like he usually does when he has to miss work. Something's definitely wrong.

 

NEJI (UNINTERESTED):

Devastating. He's probably dead. Anyways, I have a client on the line so if you don't mind, leave.

 

KABUTO looks horrified, but NEJI simply ignores him. Once the man leaves, NEJI switches the client window to a livechat with CHOJI on the other screen.

 

NEJI (CUSTOMER SERVICE VOICE):

Sorry about that, how many pounds of coke will that be?

 

_Cut to NEJI in the interview room_

NEJI:

Lee's passed out at my apartment. I found him while I was heading back home yesterday, dumpster diving behind the Ichiraku place for raccoons to fight so he could avenge his son's stupid loss of dignity. I dragged him away just before he got rabies, or worse than rabies, honestly I don't know. I didn't bother to take him to the hospital.

Better that he not be here to try and 'fix' the wendys dance-off though, last time Kabuto had him handle it, he blocked the CEO on accident and we had to make a public statement that, no, we weren't unionizing and Chik-Fil-A employees weren't Marxists.

 

_Cut back to the parking lot  
_

 

SASUKE is driving up to work when he spots several people in WENDY'S uniforms milling around the parking lot with a mascot, which is vehemently vogueing to no music while the crowd energetically cheers them on.

Confused, SASUKE parks and gets out to approach the crowd when another camera crew comes up to film his reaction.

 

CAMERAMAN:

Sir, are you a chick-fil-a corporate employee?

 

SASUKE (HESITANT):

Y-No?

 

CAMERAMAN:

Would you be willing to have a dance off with the Wendy's mascot for 500,000 dollars?

 

SASUKE immediately runs towards the dance circle.

 

_Cut back to the office_

 

KABUTO starts to hear the cheers and looks out the window, attracting the attention of the rest of the employees.

 

KIBA:

Is that _Sasuke_?

 

KARIN (FILMING ON HER PHONE):

I think I just found our own new marketing campaign.

 

_Cut to the interview room with KARIN  
_

 

KARIN:

Last time I saw Sasuke try and dance was prom probably? He broke his nose and Naruto's two ankles, so this'll be fun. I better call to tell him I'll be driving him home today.

_Cut back to the parking lot  
_

 

SASUKE is syncing his movements to the mascot, nearly creating a decent dance duo when SHINO runs out the office doors, pushes through the crowd, and jumps on the mascot while delivering a series of punches.

The crowd starts frantically yelling as some people, including SASUKE, try to pull SHINO off of the mascot. The camera crews close in as the mascot is unmasked to reveal SUIGETSU.

 

SUIGETSU:

Dude what the fuck?

 

SHINO (FIGHTING STANCE):

My tarot told me I needed to fight a leo for good luck. You had red hair and I went for it, but it seems I've been decieved.

 

SUIGETSU:

Then why didn't you just fight Karin--I mean any other red head?

 

SHINO:

That was a trick question. Also, how do you know Karin?

 

SUIGETSU:

Lucky guess, anways, want 500,000 dollars? You just gotta dance with me.

 

SHINO:

 

SUIGETSU:

 

SHINO, SUIGETSU, and SASUKE are all now part of the dance circle, much to KABUTO's fury and everyone else's amusement. KABUTO rushes downstairs to break up the crowd with his megaphone.

 

KABUTO (CALLING 911):

IF YOU DON'T LEAVE OUR PREMISES I'M ALERTING THE AUTHORITIES.

 

SUIGETSU:

On what grounds?

 

KABUTO:

WE'RE A CHRISTIAN COMPANY IT'S OUR RIGHT TO TURN AWAY HERETICS.   
  


 

SUIGETSU continues to lead the dance circle as more people continue to drive up and join. KABUTO's attempts to stop it are useless and he frustratedly goes back inside, which incites more cheers from SUIGETSU and the crowd of Wendy's supporters.

 

_Cut to the interview room with KABUTO_

 

KABUTO (WEARKING A CHIK-FIL-A MASCOT UNIFORM):

I didn't want to have to resort to this, but now I will, for the sanctity of our company and our Lord.

 

 

KABUTO runs back out in his mascot uniform and stands before SUIGETSU.

 

KABUTO:

Want me to play your game? Fine, I'll play your game. Fight me.

 

SUIGETSU:

Dude why does everyone wanna fight me I just want to have fu-

 

KABUTO tackles Suigetsu, who has had the same disadvantage twice of having a bulkier costume that won't allow him to fight standing up, so he pulls KABUTO down with him. They both end up rolling around the ground throwing gloved punches until the cops show up.

 

 

_Cut to KABUTO and SUIGETSU in the back of a police cruiser, looking very beat up._

 

KABUTO:

I had a _clean_ record. ZERO crimes committed. Now I'm being framed for an assault that was _clearly_ self-defense against a heathen.

 

SUIGETSU:

This isn't the first time I've been to jail to be honest, like I can break out, no big deal. I'd leave him though.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
